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Happy B-day Vitamin V

 

28-Mar-2008: Dear Viagra,

Can it be ten years already? My how times flies.

I'll never forget the day the FDA granted you life. My Pfizer voice mailbox filled up almost immediately. Sure, some of the calls were from friends with the same bad jokes ("Hey, Jamie, that must be a hard sell!"), but most of the messages were from urology customers of mine. That's right, V-Man, physicians called me! I was selling in a Bizarro world where doctors needed me more than I needed them. Truth be told? I may have taken slight advantage of that momentary misalignment of the pharmaceutical planets.

"Well, Dr. My-Patients-Are-Screaming-For-It, my sales route is set in stone and I don't think I can get these samples to you for another two weeks." Pause. "Yes, I realize you are the most important urologist in ________." Pause. "Play golf at your private club tomorrow? Uh...yeah, I guess I can move some things around." Pause. "I'll be sure to bring those samples along with a sleeve of Viagra-stamped golf balls. I hear they really, er, straighten out your game."

It seems like just yesterday you were this adorable little blue pill. The public and the media couldn't get enough of you! Magazine covers, lead stories on all the network news shows...you were the bomb. (By the way, back then we could say "the bomb" without having the government record all our phone calls for the next 30 years.)

Those were the days, huh? You're still only a 5th grader age-wise, but in media years you're ready for Social Security. You've lost your shine, Viagra.

People blame you for ushering in America's Age of Lifestyle Drugs. Like that's a bad thing! Think Generic Propecia and Botox would've been nearly as successful without you? Fat chance. Which reminds me: they've got kick-ass drugs coming out for that, too.

And think about your impact on television! Your ads were so successful at getting men out of their Barca Loungers and into their doctors' offices where they asked for prescriptions by brand name that all the drug companies decided to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to run their own commercials! Some studious people in ivory towers think such expenditures drive up the cost of medications, but PhRMA, the pharmaceutical lobbying group, says that's simply not true. Other fussypots decry the lowering of our cultural standards thanks to the incessant mentioning of four-hour erections on daytime television. Like it's your fault that you do your job extra well sometimes?

Besides, you've actually added to America's cultural experience in recent years. After all, would Hugh Hefner have a TV show about he and his three Playmate girlfriends without your assistance? (Come to think of it, would he even have the three girlfriends?)

Helllll no, Blue Steel. (Did you ever get any royalties from Ben Stiller for inspiring his signature look in "Zoolander"?) You are a performance-enhancing drug. But President Bush wasn't referring to you when he took time out of his super-duper important State of the Union address to declare war on the black sheep of your family: anabolic steroids and Human Growth Hormone. Amazingly, had any federal prosecutors or Major League Baseball officials paid attention, they would have recognized your attempt to identify a liar and a cheat since 2002. Pfizer paid then 38-year old and then shoe-in Hall of Famer Rafael Palmeiro a paltry two-million dollars to publicly declare he used Viagra. Hello? Did it take Dr. Drew Pinsky to figure out that a guy who publicly admitted his need for help "off the field" probably wouldn't be opposed to taking steroids to improve his on-field performance, too?

Oh, Viagra, I'd love to wish you another successful decade, but that's probably not realistic. In the next three to five years, your patent will expire in the US and around the world, after which you'll be known by your given name, Sildenafil Citrate. Why do you think we called you Viagra?! You're welcome. But don't fret just yet, Vitamin V, your Pfizer Daddy can't afford to let that happen -- you're one of the only, like, two decent drugs he has left!

In your name, Pfizer will wage lengthy court battles intended solely to enable the company to continue raking in 250-million dollars per sales quarter. And after those tactics fail, Pfizer will introduce a new form of you - for instance, a fast-dissolving strip like your cousins at Listerine - and then claim that this New You entitles the company to another ten years free from generic competition. Someday, there may even be a Viagra 5, or V.V., for short!

As for your brand name competitors...screw 'em! You're Coke and they're Pepsi. You're the firstborn and nobody will ever forget you.

Happy Birthday, little blue buddy.

P.S. And thanks for the book!

Source: Huffington Post